This blog is directed at the ladies out there ( given that I am one & wouldn’t say I totally understand the male perspective on this subject) but is not limited to only them. Men! Feel free to read on. I am not a professional in the field, so these are based on my own life experiences! Also for the purposes of this blog, I’m going to use the words him/man/he but this is not meant to exclude same sex couples. )
For those of you that have not read my other posts, I’m a 54 year old woman who, 6 years ago, left my marriage of 29 years. We had 3 grown children, all who had left home.
So the divorce is final, settlement is all done, and life seems to be moving along much more smoothly! Now what?
Maybe there’s a new man hanging around. Or not.
But whoa up a bit ladies! Don’t jump right in too quickly. That amazing new man may be the best thing that ever happened to you, but remember ……. It’s all too easy to become overly wrapped up in this new experience. Because it makes you feel alive again, much better about yourself, and who wouldn’t want plenty of that.
Except…. No man can be your everything! Not even close.
- Slept with a friend & then turned into a crazy stalker to the point where he no longer is in touch with me.
- Almost got into an affair with a married man. Luckily I found out before anything too serious happened.
- Flirted like crazy with any guy who paid attention to me! Ok.. This one wasn’t so bad & I had a ton of fun.
Then met a really genuine kind man who treated me like a queen & still does. Sounds like a happy ending right? Well it is.. NOW!
But it was a roller coaster. I had to learn how to not be that hurt person, that wounded soul, how to trust, how to be confident in his regard, how not to be paranoid or obsessive! That’s where the hard work started.
I was a DIY project in progress, & I read, and learned about healthy relationships, thought about what was important to me, what my needs were and how to express them honestly.
One of the best books I read is a book by Bevely Engel.
Loving Him without Losing You : How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself.
My suggestions for all you lovely ladies out there for moving on if you do meet that special someone are as follows.
- First & foremost – remember you are fabulous, just the way you are. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t need to measure up to other people’s opinions of who you should be!! Believe it!! And the rest will be easier.
- No matter who comes along, always remember your friends! You know, those amazing people who stood by you & let you lean on them while you pulled your life back together. Yep, those ones! A quality man will support that 100%.
- Try not place too much emphasis on whether this new friendship is even going turn into anything more. Concentrate on getting to know someone & just have some fun! Take the pressure off & relax! Get on with building a life for yourself that is rewarding, satisfying & happy.
- Consider this, what do you need from any relationship, romantic or otherwise! Probably things like friendship,respect, support, fun, companionship, security, honesty and so on, depending on the person. Write them down. Pick your most important needs, the things that you can’t be happy without. Look at them & don’t settle for less! (Don’t make that list so long that no one could ever measure up. I know what us ladies are like 😃 )
- Now read that list again, and think about the needs of your new love interest. If you want a great partner, then be one.
When I left my marriage, I honestly did no see myself as wanting to have a long term relationship ever again. And that was totally fine with me. So I don’t want anyone to think this is all about how to find a man. It isn’t. This is about just maybe saving yourself a bit of heartache, becoming strong again & being the person you always knew you could be.
Until next time